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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Giving
Beaters
Mixer
Lick
Shut
Husband
Wants
Give
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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