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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Halfway
Paper
Choose
Wall
Focus
Home
Able
Striped
People
Checked

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
Phyllis Diller
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
Phyllis Diller
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
Phyllis Diller
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Phyllis Diller
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Phyllis Diller
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
Phyllis Diller
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Phyllis Diller
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Phyllis Diller
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
Phyllis Diller
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
Phyllis Diller