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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Names
Year
Write
Children
Writing
Years
Furniture
Dust
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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