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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Breath
Breaths
Popular
Suddenly
Become
Would
Invested
Stock

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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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