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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Become
Would
Invested
Stock
Breath
Breaths
Popular
Suddenly

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
Phyllis Diller
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Phyllis Diller