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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Breath
Breaths
Popular
Suddenly
Become
Would
Invested
Stock
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
Phyllis Diller
self-pity is better than none.
Phyllis Diller
Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
Phyllis Diller
If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller
Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Phyllis Diller
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
Phyllis Diller
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Phyllis Diller
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
