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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Stock
Breath
Breaths
Popular
Suddenly
Become
Would
Invested
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Phyllis Diller
It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Phyllis Diller
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
Phyllis Diller
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller
Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Phyllis Diller
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
Phyllis Diller
Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
Phyllis Diller
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
Phyllis Diller
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
Phyllis Diller
[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
Phyllis Diller
