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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
House
Away
Kids
School
Home
Come
Enough
Lunch
Buying

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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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