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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
School
Home
Come
Enough
Lunch
Buying
House
Away
Kids
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
