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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Enough
Lunch
Buying
House
Away
Kids
School
Home
Come
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
Phyllis Diller
I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
Phyllis Diller
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
Phyllis Diller
