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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Buying
House
Away
Kids
School
Home
Come
Enough
Lunch

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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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