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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Home
Come
Enough
Lunch
Buying
House
Away
Kids
School
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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