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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
School
Home
Come
Enough
Lunch
Buying
House
Away
Kids

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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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