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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Surgeons
Surgery
Plastic
Looked
Face
Bouquet
Faces
Bouquets
Like
Surgeon
Elbows

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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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