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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Elbows
Surgeons
Surgery
Plastic
Looked
Face
Bouquet
Faces
Bouquets
Like
Surgeon

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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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