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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Surgeons
Surgery
Plastic
Looked
Face
Bouquet
Faces
Bouquets
Like
Surgeon
Elbows

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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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