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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Faces
Bouquets
Like
Surgeon
Elbows
Surgeons
Surgery
Plastic
Looked
Face
Bouquet

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All mothers are working mothers.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Phyllis Diller
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
Phyllis Diller
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Phyllis Diller