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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Becoming
Humor
Way
Comedienne
Puberty
Adjusting

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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Phyllis Diller
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Phyllis Diller