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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Screws
Hats
Faces
Wrinkled
Screw

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
Phyllis Diller
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Phyllis Diller
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
Phyllis Diller
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
Phyllis Diller