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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Wrinkled
Screw
Screws
Hats
Faces

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
Phyllis Diller
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
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All mothers are working mothers.
Phyllis Diller
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
Phyllis Diller
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
Phyllis Diller
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
Phyllis Diller
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
Phyllis Diller