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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Clothes
Else
Look
Looks
Take
Would
Men
Doctor
Love
Doctors

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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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