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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Would
Men
Doctor
Love
Doctors
Clothes
Else
Look
Looks
Take

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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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