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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Right
Always
Wondered
Dating
Along
Came
Easy
Tell

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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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self-pity is better than none.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
Phyllis Diller