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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Wondered
Dating
Along
Came
Easy
Tell
Right
Always

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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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