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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Dating
Along
Came
Easy
Tell
Right
Always
Wondered

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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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