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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Mark
Higher
Growing
Wells
Well
Marks
Bite
Bites

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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Phyllis Diller
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Phyllis Diller
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Phyllis Diller