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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Well
Marks
Bite
Bites
Mark
Higher
Growing
Wells

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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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