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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Comedienne
Became
Husband
Stand

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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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