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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Became
Husband
Stand
Comedienne

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Phyllis Diller
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Phyllis Diller