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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Stand
Comedienne
Became
Husband

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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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