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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Husband
Stand
Comedienne
Became

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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller