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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Husband
Stand
Comedienne
Became

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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller