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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Come
Many
Onions
Liver
Spots
Ought
Side
Sides
Funny

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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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All mothers are working mothers.
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