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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Come
Many
Onions
Liver
Spots
Ought
Side
Sides
Funny

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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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