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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Liver
Spots
Ought
Side
Sides
Funny
Come
Many
Onions

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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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