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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Ought
Side
Sides
Funny
Come
Many
Onions
Liver
Spots

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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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