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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Ought
Side
Sides
Funny
Come
Many
Onions
Liver
Spots

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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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