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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Ought
Side
Sides
Funny
Come
Many
Onions
Liver
Spots

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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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