Quote

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Phyllis Diller

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Many
Onions
Liver
Spots
Ought
Side
Sides
Funny
Come

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

Image
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
Phyllis Diller
Image
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
Phyllis Diller
Image
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Phyllis Diller
Image
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller
Image
You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
Image
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller
Image
I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
Phyllis Diller
Image
All mothers are working mothers.
Phyllis Diller