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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Promiscuous
Glove
Ankles
Gloves
Sister
Broke
Car
Compartment
Sex
Ankle

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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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