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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Nothing
Love
Like
Marrying
Tennis
Sports
Money

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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller