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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Marrying
Tennis
Sports
Money
Nothing
Love
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More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
Phyllis Diller
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Phyllis Diller
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
Phyllis Diller