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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
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Transcendental
Straight
Buddhism
Numerology
Tried
Feng
Meditation
Shui
Works
Gin
Philosophy
Scientology
Best
Esoteric

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Phyllis Diller
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
Phyllis Diller
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Phyllis Diller
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
Phyllis Diller