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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
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Transcendental
Straight
Buddhism
Numerology
Tried
Feng
Meditation
Shui
Works
Gin
Philosophy
Scientology
Best
Esoteric
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Phyllis Diller
I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Phyllis Diller
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Phyllis Diller
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Phyllis Diller
If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
Phyllis Diller
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
Phyllis Diller
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
Phyllis Diller
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
Phyllis Diller
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Phyllis Diller
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
Phyllis Diller
How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Phyllis Diller