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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Find
Transcendental
Straight
Buddhism
Numerology
Tried
Feng
Meditation
Shui
Works
Gin
Philosophy
Scientology
Best
Esoteric

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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self-pity is better than none.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
Phyllis Diller
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Phyllis Diller
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
Phyllis Diller
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
Phyllis Diller
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Phyllis Diller