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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Husband
Married
Marriage
Common
Thing

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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
Phyllis Diller