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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Husband
Married
Marriage
Common
Thing

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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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self-pity is better than none.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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