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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Thing
Husband
Married
Marriage
Common
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
Phyllis Diller
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller
My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
Phyllis Diller
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Phyllis Diller
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Phyllis Diller
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
Phyllis Diller
