Quote

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Goes
Clerks
Says
Replied
Woman
Shop
Tell
Shops
Doesn
Shoot
Even
Gun
Going
Husband
Kind
Crime
Clerk

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
Phyllis Diller
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
Phyllis Diller
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
Phyllis Diller
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Phyllis Diller
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
Phyllis Diller
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
Phyllis Diller
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Phyllis Diller
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Phyllis Diller
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
Phyllis Diller