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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Goes
Clerks
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Replied
Woman
Shop
Tell
Shops
Doesn
Shoot
Even
Gun
Going
Husband
Kind
Crime
Clerk
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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