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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Says
Replied
Woman
Shop
Tell
Shops
Doesn
Shoot
Even
Gun
Going
Husband
Kind
Crime
Clerk
Goes
Clerks
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
Phyllis Diller
