Quote

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Gun
Even
Husband
Going
Crime
Clerk
Kind
Goes
Clerks
Says
Replied
Woman
Shop
Tell
Shops
Shoot
Doesn

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Phyllis Diller
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
Phyllis Diller
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
Phyllis Diller
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
Phyllis Diller
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
Phyllis Diller