Quote

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Goes
Clerks
Says
Replied
Woman
Shop
Tell
Shops
Doesn
Shoot
Even
Gun
Going
Husband
Kind
Crime
Clerk

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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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self-pity is better than none.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller