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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Gloves
Kiss
Kissing
Touch
Morning
Fighting
Inspirational
Fang
Always
Fangs

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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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