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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Football
Says
Inspirational
Look
Rams
Looks
Hairdresser
Good
Helmet
Would
Angeles
Asked

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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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