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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Would
Angeles
Asked
Football
Says
Inspirational
Look
Rams
Looks
Hairdresser
Good
Helmet

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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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