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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Little
Fur
Firsts
Stole
First
Modest
Never
Wearing
People
Forget
Inspirational
Thought
Littles
Anchovies

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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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