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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Firsts
Stole
First
Modest
Never
Wearing
People
Forget
Inspirational
Thought
Littles
Anchovies
Little
Fur

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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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