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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Junior
Juniors
Size
Wear
Inspirational
Find
Hard
Mister
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Phyllis Diller
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
Phyllis Diller
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Phyllis Diller
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Phyllis Diller
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
Phyllis Diller
