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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Career
Careers
Marriage
Inspirational
Felt
Always
Never
Worked
Husband
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Phyllis Diller
I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
Phyllis Diller
If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
Phyllis Diller
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
Phyllis Diller
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Phyllis Diller
Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
Phyllis Diller
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Phyllis Diller
