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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Cupcake
Inspirational
Cupcakes
Bake
Oven
Ovens
Room
Rooms
Crud
Single

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self-pity is better than none.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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