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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Single
Crud
Inspirational
Cupcake
Cupcakes
Bake
Oven
Ovens
Room
Rooms

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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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