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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Tides
Beach
Inspirational
Come
Even
Tide

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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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