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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Tide
Tides
Beach
Inspirational
Come
Even

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
Phyllis Diller
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
Phyllis Diller
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
Phyllis Diller
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Phyllis Diller