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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Even
Tide
Tides
Beach
Inspirational
Come

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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
Phyllis Diller