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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Come
Even
Tide
Tides
Beach
Inspirational

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
Phyllis Diller
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
Phyllis Diller