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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Mother
Orphanage
Mingle
Hated
Took
Told
Inspiration

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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
Phyllis Diller
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
Phyllis Diller
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
Phyllis Diller