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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Told
Inspiration
Mother
Orphanage
Mingle
Hated
Took
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
Phyllis Diller
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
