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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Hated
Took
Told
Inspiration
Mother
Orphanage
Mingle

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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller